The designation “quiet borderline” describes a personality style sometimes present among people with borderline personality disorder (BPD), but one that isn’t well known. When we think of a person with BPD, we often imagine someone who angers quickly, who rages, cries and throws tantrums—who is unable to keep herself from expressing negative emotions in an outward and punishing way. Someone who is a “quiet borderline” rarely exhibits acting out behaviors and instead “acts in.” Acting in refers to hostility, aggression, anger and other potentially self-injurious emotions being internalized rather than verbalized or used to fuel behaviors that impact others. This constant internalization of intense negative emotions often means that others are unaware of the extent to which people with “quiet” BPD experience despair and pain. Even the individuals who have it may be unwilling or unable to acknowledge the possibility of a BPD diagnosis for a long time, as some of the more characteristic behaviors common to BPD may not seem to apply to them. However, any person diagnosed with BPD—whether “quiet” or not—will have met the diagnostic criteria.
People with “quiet” BPD often experience a sense of isolation and a lack of connection to the outside world. They may spend a great deal of time and energy rationalizing and denying the effects of their unstable emotions, then harming themselves psychologically or even physically, in despair over their inability to feel in control. They may feel confident one moment and deeply self-hating the next. This inconstancy in self-appraisal is common to all people who suffer from BPD; the difference is that those with “quiet” BPD are far likelier to hide this emotional reality from their loved ones in a way that eventually becomes painfully isolating.Source:http://www.borderline-personality-disorder.com/mental-health/what-is-a-quiet-borderline/Also:http://www.aapel.org/bdp/BLborderquietUS.html
- 1: What would you name your future daughter?
- 2: Do you miss anyone?
- 3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
- 4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
- 5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
- 6: Did you go out or stay in last night?
- 7: How late did you stay up last night?
- 8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
- 9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
- 10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
- 11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
- 12: Have you pretended to like someone?
- 13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
- 14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
- 15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
- 16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
- 17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
- 18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
- 19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
- 20: Who did you last see in person?
- 21: What is the last thing you said out lot?
- 22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
- 23: Have you ever been to Paris?
- 24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
- 25: Do you use chap stick?
- 26: Who did you last share a bed with?
- 27: Are you listening to music right now?
- 28: What is something you currently want right now?
- 29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
- 30: How is your heart lately?
- 31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
- 32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
- 33: What do people call you?
- 34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
- 35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
- 36: What are you listening to right now?
- 37: What is wrong with you right now?
- 38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
- 39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
- 40: What is on your wrists right now?
- 41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
- 42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
- 43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
- 44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
- 45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
- 46: What were you doing at midnight last night?
- 47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
- 48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
- 49: Have you ever been to New York?
- 50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
I’m sorry to break it to you, because clearly, it’s not something people want to acknowledge. For some, it’s just too far removed from their own experience, they can’t imagine a perspective other than their own in the realm of romantic attraction.
For others, it’s (in my opinion, as are all things in this post) bitterness: lesbians and gay men often accuse bisexual people of having a certain level of privilege because we can ‘pass’ for straight. Yeah, we can…some of us. Because I’ve not publicly dated a girl/been in a significant relationship with a girl since coming out to myself, I’ve been able to glide on by fairly easily, never having anyone question my sexuality. But that privilege comes with its very own form of oppression (though I hate to use that word for myself as I’m a middle-class white woman who understands the privileges I have thanks to my race and socioeconomic upbringing).
To be honest, gay and lesbian people are often viewed by bisexuals as having another form of privilege, in that they at least have acceptance within a community. If the ‘mainstream’ community rejects them after coming out, Lesbians/Gay people can just turn to the ‘accepting and open’ LGBT community, where they’ll find an incredible amount of love and support throughout the coming out process. Bisexual people cannot depend on the LGBT community in the same way.* We are also, unfortunately, not accepted by heterosexual people, which leaves us in this oddly nebulous purgatorial space in between worlds, trying to just prove that we’re actual human beings with a completely valid sexual orientation. Imagine being told you don’t count by every community you try to participate in.
When we come out, we’re rejected by both sides. The looks bisexual people get from Lesbian and Gay people when we reveal our orientation is comparable to the looks L/G people get from radical conservatives: a mix of disgust and disbelief. Somehow even with all the progress we’ve made as a society in educating ourselves about the importance of supporting and not policing the sexual identities of others, bisexuality has been completely left in the dust. As far as acceptance of homosexuality has come (though of course, it still has a ways to go), the amount of understanding about what bisexuality is has remained fairly stagnant.
To make myself more clear, here are some common reactions from both hetero and LG people upon discovering you’re bisexual:
'aka you're a slut'
This one is so common and so insulting in so many ways. First of all, the assumption that bisexual people have more sexual partners than LG or Hetero people is simply false. You might say we have more options, but we don’t just fuck anything that moves. It’s also not an invitation to treat a bisexual woman like an object for the fulfillment of your sexual fantasies. Contrary to popular belief, Bisexual people do NOT need both a man AND a woman to satisfy their sexual/romantic needs. That’s not what it means; we can fall in love with either a man OR a woman. Polyamory, or the idea of having more than one romantic partner at the same time, is an entirely different subject from bisexuality. If I tell you I like waffles and I like pancakes, are you gonna assume that every time I have breakfast, I have to have both? Okay, maybe my metaphor is a bit obtuse, but you get the point. We’re not just chicks who make out with other chicks when we’re drunk at parties. Also, it’s 2014, not 1640. Stop acting like being a ‘slut’ is a bad thing, you puritanical prude!
“it’s a cowardly transitional identity”
This is so infuriating because of how often it comes from Lesbian and Gay people, particularly because THEY ARE THE PERPETRATORS OF THIS MISCONCEPTION. There are plenty of lesbians and gay people who initially identify as bisexual when they’re a. unsure of their leanings or b. afraid of coming all the way out of the closet for perfectly valid reasons. As a self-identified bisexual, I can understand this, and don’t wish to force anyone to choose a side: sexuality is fluid and difficult to be honest about, and I understand this. But I just want to make it clear that genuine bisexual people are not the origin of this stereotype; apprehensive closeted Lesbians and Gay people are.
Bisexual also does not mean ‘confused’—confused is what I was for the first twenty years of my life. Trust me, if you’re asking the question ‘are you sure you’re not gay?’ I’ve asked myself that question about twenty five billion times throughout the course of my life, and the answer has always come up negative. It has taken me a long time, a lot of back and forth through high school and college between ‘am I gay?’ and ‘am I straight?’ but I finally worked through the confusion to get a firm grip on my sexual orientation, and I’m happy about it. And in my opinion, it takes a lot of courage to identify as bisexual, due to the stigma attached to the word: I could just identify as straight until I entered a relationship with a girl, then just call myself a lesbian, which is what the world often does to bi people. But I choose to relinquish my potential for straight and gay privileges in favor of being honest and forthright about who I truly am, and increasing bisexual visibility.
"So you’ve been lying to me all this time?"
I’m sorry to my heterosexual compatriots, but the truth of the matter is, by the nature of your heterosexuality, you’ll never know what it’s like to be bisexual. You’ll never know what it’s like to be confused for your entire life because your sexual orientation is this taboo, hidden secret not discussed by either end of the Kinsey scale. You’ll never know what it’s like to be afraid of telling friends about your sexuality, because you’re afraid they’ll start to worry you’re attracted to them. ** I’ve been lying to myself this whole time, trying to deny a fundamental fact about my orientation so that I wouldn’t have to disappoint the people I love by not fitting into the box they have put me in. If you feel slighted by the fact that I have not come out to you until now, I am truly sorry, but try to put your hurt feelings aside and step into my still-shaking boots.
“you’re just trying to attract guys”
UGH yeah bc of course everything we do is just a ploy to make frat bros think we’re ‘hot’. *huge eye roll* No. This is such a reductive and insulting assumption, I can hardly believe it’s something I’ve actually had said to me. Let me be clear: my sexual orientation is not some ploy to attract foolish man-boys so that I may be asked over and over and over to be part of the threesome of their pubescent teenage wet dreams. This supposition is also silly because the people who make this assumption seem not to realize that guys who aren’t just objectifying you because of your sexuality, are often intimidated by the prospect of having to ‘compete’ with women for your attention. Which leads me to…
"bisexual people are more likely to cheat"
Probably the most infuriatingly common thing I’ve heard from lesbians in particular, has been this strange insecurity that if they date a bi person, they’re more likely to be cheated on/dumped, because the competition pool is so much larger. No. Let me make it clear, bisexual people are no likelier to cheat than hetero or homosexual people. If a person is a cheater and doesn’t believe in being faithful to their partner, they cheat. I have never been a cheater, and being attracted to both men and women does not make me any more likely to become one.
The idea that we are more likely to cheat because the bisexual dating pool is larger is also a misconception: many Lesbian and Gay people refuse to date Bisexual people, as do many Heterosexual people. So really, apart from fellow members of the bisexual community, I’ve only got a small number of enlightened Hetero men and open-minded Lesbians to ‘choose’ from.
"but you’re gonna end up with a guy, right?’
I. Don’t. Know. That’s kind of the point. I am open to falling in love with/spending my life with a man or a woman. I understand that many of the people asking this question are coming from one of two places:
1) They’re hetero and have heard many a tale of the experimental phase girls go through in college before settling down with Mr. Right.
2) They’re gay and have, either firsthand or through the grapevine of collective experience within the LGBT community, been ‘fooled’ by one of the above-mentioned ‘LUG’ (Lesbians Until Graduation).
And it’s true, both of those scenarios exist. There are girls who are bi-curious for a while but eventually decide that they identify as heterosexual. But I’m not one of them, and trust me, I’ve thought about it a lot—there would be no reason for me to risk friendships and relationships by coming out if I thought even remotely that it was simply a passing phase.
When I find the person who makes me the best version of myself and supports me and loves my idiosyncrasies and can deal with my crazy family and is a total Qtpie, I don’t have to look at their genitals to decide whether I want to be with them. I have no idea which gender my person will be, and I’m totally fine with that. So maybe you should just stop worrying about who I’m gonna end up with, and just trust that I will end up with the person who makes me the best version of myself.
I should make it clear that I don’t speak for all bisexual people, because like hetero and gay/lesbian people, we are each a unique little snowflake with our own M.O.’s and beliefs. We don’t have a figurehead who does our speaking for us. I’m only speaking for myself, and hoping this is at least somewhat enlightening to a few people. I know this whole post may come as a surprise to some people, but to be honest, I’m over the entire concept of ‘coming out’. My sexuality doesn’t effect anyone’s life except my own, so why should I need to ‘warn’ people about it? Nothing about me has changed. I am still exactly the person I have always presented myself to be. Just now you’ll be less surprised if you see me holding hands with a lady. I hope it doesn’t change anyone’s opinion of/level of respect for me as a human being, and if it does, I’m sorry. I really am. But just like so many Christians hate the idea of their right to openly express their beliefs being stifled , I am no longer okay with stifling this aspect of who I am.
There will be more posts to come on the topic of bisexuality, biphobia, and bi erasure, so if you’re still not 100% clear on all of this stuff, it’s okay—it took me a long time to understand it myself. Plus, the next post on this blog (go HERE) is a fun list of other members of the ‘club’ of bisexuality you may have heard of. (Spoiler alert, Obi Wan Kenobi is on the list)
If you have any questions or comments, leave ‘em below and I’ll try to explain anything that’s confusing!
*We’re not even gonna talk about Trans* issues, because I don’t have the knowledge or perspective I’d need to fully explain the magnitude of things that Trans* people go through (but I will tell you to check out GLAAD’s Transgender Page if you’d like some information on the topic from some people who are far more qualified than my cis self).
**(no. You know how some girls have guy friends who are just friends, never ever anything more, because there’s no attraction there? you know how you sometimes can have a friendship with someone of your preferred gender without wanting to be romantically involved with them? Yeah. That’s how I think of my female friends. Just like when you thought I was straight and I found certain guys to be nice human beings who I enjoyed spending time with but didn’t want to sleep with. If you’re a female friend and you’re heterosexual, you’ve never crossed my mind in ‘that way’.)
Really, mum, you sure telling your daughter who’s lost 70 lbs in the past 3 years and is currently in treatment to prevent the worsening of an eating disorder that she’s got “a little pooch” on her stomach is a great idea? Really?
I’d almost rather have that drug-haze kind of numb than this kind of numb. This emptiness, living as a shadow, going through the motions and not knowing how to become three dimensional.